just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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