I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just puked most of my soul out..
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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