Don't you send me to vm
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
