theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
