Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
