Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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