So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize