and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
