Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
