I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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