Quick, to the slutcave!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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