3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
