I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
