it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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