i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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