I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
