dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
