I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
