Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
