Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize