I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
