i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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