there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
