I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
