then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
