I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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