My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize