If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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