I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
