Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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