I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my being single is dangerous.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
