The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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