so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
