i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
