he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
