i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
