i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
