peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
