I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
