On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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