i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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