the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize