You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
