This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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