Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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