mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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