What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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