Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
