I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
