see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize