On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
