I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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