I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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