I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
