if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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