I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
