the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
