He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
