I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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