Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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