The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
