If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
