Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
