I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize