Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
