Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
