I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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